really don't know what the hell's going on with me lately. Insecurities about my art are bubbling to the surface yet again, thanks to V2Duzell, and it gets me depressed and hating the work I do. I try to work on commissions, but my lack of confidence and eagerness to progress quickly and better myself make them turn out horribly, and it seems that this mindset that i can't get rid of is a hindrance that's slowly corrupting my art. If you could call it that. It's gotten to the point where I just feel like breaking down and crying, and then quitting drawing altogether, because I feel I'll never live up to my true potential. Godfuckingdamnit, I'm trying as hard as I can to improve, so why's it always turn out like shit 100 % of the time?! I really have to thank the people who've believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself, and still don't, and the people whose art I'm trying my damnest to work on, but right now, i really don't think I can pull through and live up to your expectations. icon_crying.gif

On another note, my grandmother's sick- which comes as no surprise, since she's always aching and moaning about this or than, but it seems really bad this time, and she's trying to stay in bed. It seems when she's at her weakest, then I really start to worry about her. Any other time, I really could give two shits. Perhaps it's my fear of being alone when she dies that has me caring so much, and knowing that I really couldn't live without her- as much as a stubborn, infuriating ass she may be.

All this self doubt, angst, worrying and stress has got me tense and my head hurting, and contemplating suicide yet again, because I just don't think i can deal. And if somehow i do manage it all, I think the death of my grandma will push me over the edge, despite my semi-hate for her. Truth is, I'm a coward, and I can't imagine myself in a world without her. I can't imagine myself living in this detestable world, period, and if it hadn't been for her, I'd have been dead long ago. She's helped me through more shit than anyone, and cares about me more than anyone- although on the surface, I'm reluctant to admit it. On the flip side, I really don't wish to live in the world as it is now; going to hell with a bad economy, war, politics, job cutoffs, ect. It's too hard- plain and simple, and many are feeling the effects of all the drama. It just seems pointless to struggle in a failing economy and have to suffer rejection and job losses, budget cuts, and all that, just to survive, if possible. It would seem like all the stress from that could kill someone as well, so it seems there's really nothing to gain from doing so just and ending it all if and when my grandma dies, to save time and the strain of doing so later on, if somehow I make it on my own.